#9 In the thick of it
Bit on dot com
Right now, life feels like an emotional juggling act. Between being heavily pregnant with gestational diabetes, dealing with the grief that comes with having a very sick loved one, potty training an emotional 2 year old and trying to manage a full time job with all of the above. Things feel hard!
I always feel guilty about complaining because I know that there is always someone out there who has it worse than me. However, a wise man once told me it - grief and sadness may not leave physical scars, but being bombed emotionally still counts—you’re still hit, still wounded. So let this be your permission slip to feel your feelings and let them be valid.
A few weeks ago I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and whilst my instant reaction was to hysterically laugh - I think it's time I admit it's taking its toll on me. I am so grateful that this is likely only temporary diabetes but the admin that comes with GD is intense. Constantly monitoring the blood glucose and pricking my finger at least 4x a day, eating 6x a day, calculating what food I'm consuming and when has me exhausted by the time I go to bed.
It will likely go away when I give birth, I will be fine and if it doesn't - I will figure it out because that's what I do. I am resilient. But it's not to say it's been easy breezy. I am now seeing 3x different doctors nearly weekly until I give birth and am being closely monitored. I remind myself how lucky I am to have such close care—and that it’s all covered under Medicare. I count my blessings for that.
If anyone was to get GD and read this I would say you will likely be a-okay and looked after but be prepared for it to be an admin clusterfuck. Like me, you might feel really bad at your job because you are constantly at the hospital or taking walks to lower your blood glucose. On top of that if you are already a mum and have GD you will likely also be leaving the office early to pick up your kid. You won’t and can’t give your job your all and thats going to have to be okay. I’m trying to remind myself it's the season I’m in and this too shall pass like all the heaviness I am feeling at the moment.
One thing I wouldn’t advise on is potty training your toddler whilst you are heavily pregnant and operating on high emotions. I’m laughing at myself for thinking this would be easy? Which one of you told me it would be simple because we need to have words. You take for granted the reflexes we have as adults when we feel the need to go to the loo. Learning that from scratch looks unbelievably hard and I take my hat off to toddlers. Am I getting quite sick of bending down to clean up pee off the floor? Yes I am. Will I remember any of this in a year's time when she's taking herself off to the toilet - no I won't. But whoever said this is straightforward and can be done in 3 days is a huge liar :) THIS however, I know I will get over.
As for the grief - well grief fucking sucks. There are no ways around grieving, there are no easy fixes and it comes with an array of emotions none of which are linear or make sense. I feel really sad whilst also feeling guilt for being sad. I feel guilt for not being there enough or trying to be there too much. I feel confronted with the fact that the circle of life, both death and birth, is sitting in front of me. I feel so grateful for the life I’m creating and the hope this next baby brings. I feel overwhelmed with emotions and don't know how to keep up the balancing act.
Right now I’m in the thick of it but even the most viscous thick shake turns liquidy after a while. I just made that metaphor up but somehow it feels good and aligned with my pregnancy cravings. My emotions are valid today and everyday even though they come with guilt. Even though I will always feel that deep down someone has it worse than I do.
